


The right time to die.

by Cerbero2518



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-09
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:35:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 4,022
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29311947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cerbero2518/pseuds/Cerbero2518
Summary: All those days he hadn't opened his eyes and hadn't moved until that precise moment. Severus Snape was, despite himself, alive and, as always, alone. He had never loved life much, he had never been able to live as he would have liked, his life had been studded with mistakes. Despite all this he was not a yielding person, he had always tried to remedy his mistakes and in the end he had succeeded even if he still did not know.English is not my first language. I did my best, please forgive my mistakes and feel free to suggest corrections.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. The awakening

**Author's Note:**

> English is not my first language. I did my best, please forgive my mistakes and feel free to suggest corrections.

The awakening  
A white hospital room, a row of beds protected by green curtains, St Mungo's is not all that different from a Muggle hospital after all. After the events of May two, most of the doctors and nurses were concentrated on the fourth floor in the Spell Injury ward, so when a pale-faced man with a hook nose opened his eyes in a bed in the ward of magical creatures injury, he found no one to assist him. He had been brought there along with the many wounded veterans from the Battle of Hogwarts, he had the very pale imprint of the black mark on his left forearm, so initially the nurses hadn't paid much attention to him. His throat was slashed by the bite of a large animal, possibly a snake, and they probably would have let him die if the hero of the moment, Harry Potter himself, the child who lived, hadn't insisted that he have all the necessary care. So he had been treated, had his wound closed and had been given a thousand potions, but the patient had not woken up yet.  
All those days he hadn't opened his eyes and hadn't moved until that precise moment. Severus Snape was, despite himself, alive and, as always, alone. He had never loved life much, he had never been able to live as he would have liked, his life had been studded with mistakes. Despite all this he was not a yielding person, he had always tried to remedy his mistakes and in the end he had succeeded even if he still did not know.  
To be precise, he barely remembered his name at the moment and the only thing he was sure of was the stinging pain he felt in every part of his body starting from the neck to the legs. He had opened his eyes for a moment but then closed them again, that room was too bright for tired eyes that hadn't been opened for days. His neck felt wet, maybe he was bleeding, he should have called a nurse. But a nurse would have helped him, and he didn't want to be treated, he didn't want to live. He just wanted to die and finally be left alone.  
However, fate did not help the man that time because a young nurse checked the ward a few minutes after the incident and immediately noticed that the bandages of the patient of bed 22 were soaked with blood. After the umpteenth medication and administration of potions the man did not regain consciousness for a few days. This time he immediately realized he was not alone, he had not yet opened his eyes, but he felt that someone was holding his hand. He had never liked physical contact but at that moment that little grip was quite pleasant, it comforted him even if he had no idea who it was. The pain of a few days ago had eased slightly, they must have given him painkillers, it bothered him, he didn't like taking potions he hadn't prepared himself, but after all he was in a hospital or so he thought.  
He slightly opened one eye, just a bit, so as not to be blinded by the strong white light, and realized that the figure sitting at the side of his bed was a woman. At that point partly because he was stunned by the many drugs they had given him, partly because he was terrified and in pain, he said, in a croaking voice that didn't belong to him, the first thing that came to his mind: "Mom?".


	2. An old acquaintance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language. I did my best, please forgive my mistakes and feel free to suggest corrections.

An old acquaintance

Immediately after opening his mouth he called himself stupid, it couldn't be his mother, she had died several years before. Things probably would have been different if she hadn't left, he wouldn't have been alone, and maybe he wouldn't have even become a Death Eater and many people wouldn't have died. And while Severus Snape was lost in thoughts about his mother, the woman sitting next to him realized he was awake and approached to his face worried. "Severus! By Merlin's beard, you're awake. How do you feel?".  
Minerva McGonagall had almost fallen out of her chair when she heard him call. They looked into each other's eyes for a couple of seconds. The last time they saw each other the woman attacked him and at the end he threw himself out of a window. Severus had not reacted to the woman's spells, he could not risk hurting her. She had been a good teacher when he was a student and a reliable colleague in the later years. He had never opened up to her, but they had had a good relationship despite being rival householders. He enjoyed teasing her when taking points from Gryffindor.  
But what was he doing there?  
He had mistreated her for a year when he was headmaster and the previous year ... the previous year there had been the matter of Dumbledore. Minerva could never forgive him for that, and he really didn't expect him to.  
Too many thoughts for a fatigued brain, Severus wanted to talk to her, try to explain, but his head was spinning and his throat burned so much. The man was looking for the right words, but the woman preceded him and only when she began to speak, he realized that she was crying.  
"Severus, forgive me, please. I, I didn't understand. If I had known what was happening, I would have helped you."  
The woman immediately after the battle had helped count the casualties and transfer the wounded to St. Mungo’s, it was Harry Potterer who warned her that Severus was in the shrieking shack presumably dead. She had gone to check with a couple of house elves and found him on the ground in a pool of blood nearly blood. He was a Death Eater and a traitor but also a friend, she couldn't have left him there. Only later Potter told her what he had seen in the pensive in the headmaster office. At that moment the woman had understood what had happened, she was very surprised, and she had felt a great pain for her former pupil.  
The speech was long and heartfelt, Minerva was sincerely sorry and worried, but when she finished speaking and dried her tears, she realized that her interlocutor had fallen asleep. The woman smiled, only asleep Severus actually showed his age, 38 years were not many and for him the right time to die had not arrived yet.


	3. What memories?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language. I did my best, please forgive my mistakes and feel free to suggest corrections

What memories?

As the days passed, Severus gradually felt better, he had difficulty speaking and Nagini's poison had almost paralysed his right leg but after all it could have been worse.

Occasionally someone came to visit him, former students, mostly Slytherin, old colleagues, Minerva and Narcissa, the wife of his old friend Lucius Malfoy, visited him almost every day. Thanks to the visits of the two women he had been able to discover what had happened after the war: all the surviving Death Eaters, including Lucius and Draco, had been brought to Azkaban awaiting trial, actually not all the Death Eaters because he was still there. A ministry employee had brought him a letter inviting him to participate as a witness in some trials, but apparently he had not been charged. Minerva had told him that Potter sided with him and did everything to avoid problems, but strangely he had not visited him yet.

The days at San Mungo’s were quite monotonous, he chatted with his visitors, read the books Minerva brought him and ate chocolate pudding to cheer himself up. It was close to the day when he would be discharged, and he still didn’t know what to do. Narcissa had offered to host him at the Manor, and he probably would have accepted, but he was unsure about what he really wanted. He was eating another pudding when someone entered the room, the bed curtains were closed so initially he could only hear footsteps and then a voice: "Professor?". Potter, that was undoubtedly Harry Potter. The boy pulled back the curtains and found himself face to face with his former potions teacher. Snape was amazed when he found himself in front of that boy, who was now almost a man, with the usual messy hair, round glasses and a child in his arms. A child? What was he doing with a child?

"Potter, you have already reproduced?" exclaimed the professor. Harry was no longer frightened by those abrupt tones and replied gently "Don't worry, it's not mine. This is Teddy, Teddy Lupin. I thought you might like to meet him." Teddy Lupin, of course Remus had a child, that had to be the reason for him not visiting. "Does Lupin make you carry his son around? He must be very brave or very foolish." Harry's smiling face suddenly darkened and at that moment Severus understood. He looked down and asked, "Both?"

"Yes professor, Teddy is an orphan, I help his grandmother to take care of him, you know, I'm his godfather".

Lupin was dead, they were friends but among the marauders he was certainly the one who had bothered him the least. They had found themselves studying together in the library a few times, and when they were colleagues, he made him the wolfsbane potion. Life was truly unfair, Remus and Tonks had a child to care for, and they were both dead while he, who no longer had a purpose in life, was still there.

The conversation had certainly not started in the best of ways, the two remained silent without looking at each other. Then Snape spoke again: "I think I have to thank you, Potter, without your help I would probably be in Azkaban at the moment." "It was the least I could do after what you did for me, your memories saved the wizarding world."

His memories? What memories? "I'm sorry Potter, but I have no idea what you are talking about." Harry looked impressed and even a little disappointed as he sat down and placed Teddy on the professor's bed. "That night in the shrieking shack, when you were wounded, you gave me the memories of Dumbledore's plan, the prophecy and my mother."

Only then Severus remembered, he was dying, he was terrified and had to reveal crucial information to Potter for the success of Dumbledore's plan, but had he also given him his memories of Lily? What memories, what did that boy see?

And for the first time in years Severus Snape blushed with embarrassment.


	4. The manor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language. I did my best, please forgive my mistakes and feel free to suggest corrections

The Manor

"Potter, whatever you saw about your mother is not your concern, it is personal." Harry was visibly disappointed and annoyed. "Of course it concerns me, it's my mother, I thought you showed me those memories for a reason." "I had no intention of showing you those memories too, it was a mistake." They must have raised their voices too much because little Teddy woke up and started crying. The boy took him in his arms, "I better go, but we will continue this conversation, we must talk about those memories."

After the boy left, Severus let out a long sigh. Only Dumbledore knew of his feelings for Lily, he had said something to Lucius in a moment of despair but without going into details. He considered himself a private person, even now that he no longer needed to keep his cover, he didn't like the idea of shouting his feelings from a rooftop. And what for then?

In what he had thought were his last moments of life he thought about the woman he loved, but he absolutely did not want Potter to know. He didn't want to give explanations, it would have meant revising his many mistakes and despite many years passing, he didn't feel like it. Lily had been his reason for living for most of his existence, and surely she would never abandon him. He decided he would go to Hogwarts as soon as possible to see the memories he left to the boy.

And at the end of a typically rainy London day, Severus Snape came out of St Mungo’s. A cane to help with his leg and a tight bandage around his neck was how he found himself out of the hospital still with no ideas about his future. "Severus?" Mrs. Malfoy stepped forward slowly and put her hand on his arm.

Narcissa was an elegant and apparently arrogant woman, only apparently because thanks to her practical sense and her intelligence she was able to follow Lucius after he had entered the circle of the Dark Lord and survived the war. Obviously after her husband and especially her son had been incarcerated she had died inside, even if thanks to the family fortune she would probably have been able to free at least Draco.

"Thanks for coming". Narcissa was beautiful, a delicate doll. Lucius had fallen in love with her during their Hogwarts days and eventually managed to persuade Abrax Malfoy to let him marry her. "Shall we go?" Asked the woman "I had your old room prepared”.

Joint materialization, a couple of tumbles, and they found themselves in front of the imposing Malfoy Manor. It was a huge house with a large garden, Severus had lived in it after leaving Hogwarts. For a time it had been like a home to him, a place to be happy. Of course, things had changed when the Dark Lord turned it into his headquarters. Then it had become a prison, a palace of death. The manor was filled with screams, crying and despair.


	5. False testimony

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language. I did my best, please forgive my mistakes and feel free to suggest corrections

False testimony

Severus had never understood why Lucius offered him to live with him once he finished school, obviously he had not refused the offer, he would have done everything to avoid returning to the grey Spinner's end. His old room hadn't changed much since he left it. It was the room of the rich boy he had never been: a beautiful bed, a large mahogany desk and a bookcase full of books. On the shiny bedside table was a stack of his old notebooks filled with notes on dark spells and poisons. He sat on the bed to rest his sore leg and looked out of the large window: the park of the Manor was filled with plants, flowers and fountains. Since Narcissa lived there, some albino peacocks had been added. Severus didn't particularly like them, after all they were just big noisy chickens.

Soon there would be the trial of the Death Eaters, the newspapers talked about nothing else, witnesses would arrive from all over the magical world, what everyone now called the "second magic war" would be definitively closed. "Mr. Snape, sir, i am very sorry, sir, "exclaimed a small voice coming from the door. Severus had not noticed the arrival of a small house elf with large ears similar to bat wings. "Yes, tell me, don't worry." He did not share Lucius' ideas about elves, he never paid attention to them very much, he did not hate them, although perhaps he found them a little disturbing.  
"There's a gentleman for you, sir, he's in the hall, sir."  
He had been out of the hospital a little over an hour, and they had already begun to torment him.

And it wasn't just any tormentor, it was The tormentor. "Potter, it seemed to me that I was quite clear: I have no intention of talking to you." The boy had a very serious expression. "I'm not here for that, I have to talk to you about Draco." Draco was the closest person to a child that Severus had, when Lucius and Narcissa were finally able to have the child they had so much desired, he was surprised when he they asked him to be his godfather, it was as if he had become part of the family.  
They sat in one of the manor's many damask-walled lounges. Severus had sat down in an armchair near the large fireplace and Harry sat in the corner of a large sofa. "You should talk to Narcissa about it." "I've already talked with Mrs. Malfoy, but I need to do it with you too."  
Harry was gradually lowering his voice.  
"Professor, I need you to lie at the trial."  
To lie? Had the Gryffindor champion just asked him to lie?  
"And what exactly am I supposed to say?" The boy didn't answer right away, he was visibly upset "you have to say that you was there when Draco took the black mark and that he was forcibly forced to do so". Severus had actually been present at the ceremony. A dark room, red candles, a circle of masked men and in the centre of it all a pale blond boy who at that moment looked almost like a child. But the boy's voice hadn't wavered as he swore the oath, and he hadn't retracted his arm when it was branded. Everyone knew it was a farce, he had been entrusted with a suicide mission, but the orders of the Dark Lord could not be discussed.


	6. One more time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language. I did my best, please forgive my mistakes and feel free to suggest corrections

One more time

"Why on earth would you want to save Draco?" "I don't seem to remember you as great friends at Hogwarts."  
The boy sank even deeper into his corner of the sofa, he could have come up with a complicated explanation full of complicated feelings but in the end he opted for the simpler solution "Everyone deserves a second chance". "Like me, Draco couldn't choose who to be. I wish he was given this chance, but to do this I need your help professor." Under normal conditions Severus would have helped Draco without thinking, but he was reluctant to bind himself to Potter by any form of pact.  
"You know what it feels like to need a second chance, save someone who is in the same situation." Severus did not answer, he suspected the matter was more complicated than how Potter was presenting to him. "You don't have to answer me now, the trial is in a week."  
At that point an awkward silence fell, probably the boy expected an answer. "I'll think about it Potter, I don't know if I want to be seen around for the moment." Severus thought the best solution was to change the subject. "How's little Lupin doing?" Harry looked pleased with the question. "He's fine, he's at the mercy of Andromeda and Mrs. Weasley, I try to visit him as often as possible."  
And at that moment Severus made a mistake. "It seems Molly Weasley can't get enough of kids, seven kids aren't enough." Harry got pale "Six sons professor".  
Six? Had the Weasleys lost a child in the war? Could it possibly have been ... no if it had been Ron Weasley, Potter wouldn't have been there right now.  
"I'm sorry Potter, I didn't know anything about it, who-" the boy didn't let him finish the sentence. "Fred, his family is broken, we're all broken." It was evident that Severus was not good at friendly conversations, luckily Potter thought about fixing the situation. "Now I have to go, I'm sure we'll meet again at the trial." Severus remained in the chair watching the fire as the boy walked away accompanied by an elf. He knew that there had been many deaths during the battle, but he didn't want to know the names, he didn't want to think that the boys he had met no longer lived.  
In the evening he went to bed without dinner, he was tired, confused and in pain. He wasn't going to take the potions they'd given him at the hospital, he'd brew them himself as soon as he got better. His hands were shaking, he wouldn't be able to handle knives and test tubes for a while. That night the man had a dream that he would not easily forget.  
He was at Hogwarts, alone in the festively decorated great hall. There was music and a buffet but no students. At one point someone appeared out of nowhere behind him  
"Severus, shall we dance?" The man turned around and immediately recognized Lily Evans, green eyes and red hair, in the same blue dress she had worn to a Christmas ball in their fifth year, a ball to which he hadn't had the courage to invite her. He didn't know how to dance but after all it was a dream, so without saying a word he took her in his arms, smiling. He could feel her close to him, she was warm, delicate and perfumed. He was holding her in his arms, closer and closer, closer and closer.  
But at some point the body he was holding became cold, stiff and slimy. Severus took a step back: blood. His Lily was completely covered in blood. "Wake up Severus, wake up now"  
Fortunately at that moment he woke up, sweating and shaking. The wound in his neck had started to bleed, he had to immediately take the potion they had given him at St. Mungo's.  
Lily had saved him once more.


	7. The worst memory

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> English is not my first language. I did my best, please forgive my mistakes and feel free to suggest corrections

The worst memory

It was early in the morning, Severus and Narcissa were having breakfast in a small room of the Manor, the great hall, the one where the dark lord used to torture his prisoners, had been closed. Narcissa was drinking her tea distracted while the man was reading the newspaper.  
"I was thinking about going to Hogwarts." Narcissa gasped as if she had forgotten his presence.  
"Hogwarts? You want to teach again?"  
"No, I don't think so", "But I have a couple of things to do."  
"Do you want me to accompany you?"  
Narcissa was always kind, sometimes even too much. In the early days after the wedding she had tried to persuade her husband and Severus not to join the Death Eaters but in the end she had given up even though Lucius had never been able to involve her.  
Severus smiled "No, don't worry. I can manage it by myself."

  
So after eating he sent an owl to Minerva and left. He had dematerialized in front of the big gate, his head was spinning a little but for being his first solitary dematerialization in a long time, it had gone well. It was always exciting to go back to Hogwarts. The castle still bore the marks of the war, after all it had only been a few months, but it still remained impressive and reassuring. Minerva was waiting for him at the door. She had welcomed him with a hug, she was happy to see him and had offered to help him in any way she could.  
"I need to use the pensive"  
"Is it for the ministry?"  
"No, it's a personal matter. I need to rearrange my thoughts"  
The woman had accompanied him doubtfully to the principal's office and after giving him a look that was a mixture of affection and pity she was gone. It had not been difficult to find the vial with his memories, it was a simple ampoule among the many richly decorated in Dumbledore's old collection. Severus had avoided making eye contact with the old headmaster's painting and plunged in the pensive.

He reviewed some of his best memories and some of the worst: Spinner's End, Lily's affection, Hogwarts, the pranks of the marauders. As the images went on, the man tried to prepare himself for the final one, the one he couldn't even bear the thought of. He had reviewed the fight with Lily, the Death Eaters, the war, the deal with Dumbledore.  
Now the worst memory of all would come. Severus was tempted to lift his head from the pensive, but he had to find out what the boy had seen. However, he was amazed.  
At the end he saw the discussions with Dumbledore, some incidents that happened while he was a teacher at Hogwarts but not that single memory that made him suffer so much.  
Despite the pain, fear and haste that night in the shrieking shack his unconscious had held back the worst memory, and he was grateful for it.


End file.
